Image via Wikipedia

One of the things I love about my work is the opportunity to collaborate with some wonderful people.  In a phone call last week one of them commented on some significant changes she had noticed in my work.   “The gloves are off” is how she described the change.  ”How did you do that?”

The short answer?  I stopped caring.  While parents, kids and families matter more now than ever, I quit bothering myself about  things that other people tell me I should care about.  Instead of obsessing about “traffic” and “reach” and “influence”  and “metrics,” I’m back to being me: sharing good content as often as I can, trusting that it will reach someone who will benefit from it… when they need to connect with it.

It’s not that I don’t need or want feedback.  I like to learn… but it was getting in the way.

So how did I learn to stop caring? The way I learn best:  the hard way.

I worried and fretted. I checked and measured… and drove myself half insane.  Then, as it sometimes does, life added some stresses of its own.  For the privacy of those involved I will say only that some people I care deeply about faced some very difficult circumstances.  To make matters worse, there was nothing I could do to help.

What’s that got to do with parenting?  Or the Four Foundations?  Quite a lot, actually.

Tough times can make us bitter or make us better.   If we pay attention, illness, injury and error can reconnect us to what matters most.  It’s similar to what happens when we realize we can’t smooth all the bumps in the road our kids will travel: we decide to teach them to navigate the bumps.  And with that learning comes a level of fearlessness that frees us to give our best efforts and “let go” of the results.

When we share this attitude with our kids they often become too busy “taking care of business” to hear the warnings from the people who want to tell them they’re doomed to fail!

Tagged: caring, family, fearlessness, learning, Parenting, role model, tough times ]]> http://whatkidsneedtosucceed.wordpress.com/2012/01/24/time-to-stop-caring/feed/ 0 andreams25 English: France in 2000 year (XXI century). Fu... http://whatkidsneedtosucceed.wordpress.com/2012/01/18/yabbits/ http://whatkidsneedtosucceed.wordpress.com/2012/01/18/yabbits/#comments Wed, 18 Jan 2012 21:00:40 +0000 Andrea http://whatkidsneedtosucceed.wordpress.com/?p=2699 ]]>

An honest bumper sticker?

Have you ever talked to someone about goals, dreams and plans?  It can be fun and inspiring, especially if that conversation is with one or more of our children.  There’s something about sharing a dream,  visualizing a future result and making a plan to get it done that can bring people closer together.

And it doesn’t much matter what you (or they) are aiming for.  Whether you want a promotion, the next step in a formal education, to take a great family vacation, write a book or win an award at the science fair, the same basic process applies. Desire, visualization, planning, action.

But what about someone who completes most of those steps only to tear apart their own dreams?  I once heard a workshop speaker talk about those bumper stickers that say “I’d Rather Be…” (sailing, golfing, sleeping…)  He said he disliked them because they were dishonest. “If people would truly rather be sailing, they would take the steps and make the sacrifices necessary to make it happen.”

It’s a story that comes to mind when I start to make excuses or to decide that I’m “too busy” for people or activities that matter to me. I think of it when people  sign up for NaNoWriMo only to spend their time telling the rest of us they “don’t have time” to get their draft done.

These conversations tend to be loaded with “yabbits.” You know the ones in which the words… “Yeah, but…”  introduce an obstacle or excuse.  Sometimes a little supportive questioning is enough to help melt away the obstacles and lead to action.  Other times it leads to more and better and stronger excuses: yabbits on steroids.

Knowing this can come in handy when the kids are peppering you with “wants.”  Help them learn the difference between the casual, “it would be nice if” wants and the “I’m going to do everything in my power to make this happen” wants.  Asking them about resources, the  time they’re willing to commit  and what they may have to sacrifice can  lead to some great discussions and help them learn to “vote with their time.”

Kids easily pick up on the contradictions between what we say and what we do. And, yabbits are a great early warning sign.  They can indicate fear, a lack of confidence or, in some situations, a lack of desire.

Good role models notice them and take the necessary action:  give up the goal or give up the excuses and get on with it.  

The consistency will benefit everyone around you.

Holidays can be tough. Although it flies in the face of  the story we tell ourselves every year there are gaps between what we WANT and what we HAVE…. between what we PLAN and what actually HAPPENS.  It’s hard not to get caught up in the swirl of gifts and get-togethers, meals and misunderstandings.  And then, of course, there are the overs:  over spending, over eating and all sorts of other opportunities for over indulgence.

It can really hurt when we see the results in our children.

Have you ever experienced that awful feeling in the pit of the stomach that goes along with mentally tallying up the time and money you spent on holiday gifts… only to see them tossed aside as your little ones clamor for “MORE”?

UGH.

MORE.

It’s in our brains: to consume more food, acquire more ‘stuff,’ conquer more space….  is one of those lizard brain survival ‘things’ that’s been with us for a long time.

But it seems to me that lots of people are paying attention to that feeling and using it  to move toward both a smaller budget and a simpler life.  Circumstances are pushing people to think more about the difference between wants and needs…. about how to live a life that better reflects their values.

One of my favorite things about this time of year is the way that resolutions and planning for the New Year can help us focus on what is most meaningful in our lives.

“In 2012 I want more ______________ and less ________________ for myself and for my family.”

How do you fill in those blanks? What changes do you need to make to turn those “wants” into reality?

What do you think?

DailyGood: The Leadership Genius of Bob the Builder.

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark. 

–Proverb

I’m not sure what set it off but I’m thinking about the many, many times that Moms (and a few Dads) have shared this guilty confession with me:

“I can’t wait for school vacation to end.”

Family members, friends, neighbors and many, many clients.  Strangers in the grocery store and the airport. People tell me things.  Parents who feel overwhelmed by school vacation have a lot in common.  They often think they’re alone with that thought; many of them feel guilty for even having it.

I don’t blame them a bit.  In the face of almost two months of 24/7 messages about perfect families and holiday cheer it’s easy to think that ours are the only families in which children argue, grandparents over-step their boundaries and people forget to say “thank you.”  Custody and visitation “stuff” can leave everyone involved feeling a bit lonelier and angrier and more stressed than they’d like.  Unfinished business bubbles to the surface and suddenly our beloved children seem like ill-mannered, greedy strangers. The gaps between what we WANT and what we actually HAVE…. between what we TRY and what actually HAPPENS…. can hurt.

As much as we try to avoid it,  pain is not necessarily the enemy. It’s a warning.  And while what you’re seeing and feeling may be completely “normal” — if something is causing you distress it may be time to change it. Especially where our children and our grandchildren are concerned.

While it may not really be possible to make New Year’s Resolutions for others, the changes we make in our own behavior impacts the people close to us.    It’s not too late to embrace a parenting style that helps our kids learn to be more independent and self sufficient… to appreciate the work involved with running a household.  But they can’t do that if you don’t let them partcipate.

The New Year is a good time to help get our entire family back on track,  to develop the skills and live the values that will carry them through … to build a foundation that will leave them on their feet no matter what life throws their way.

UPDATE

***OOPS*** The code you see below is a coupon for $2 off on any e-version of What Kids Need to Succeed: Four Foundations of Adult Achievement here

My husband and I had a fairly elaborate holiday schedule lined up:  a few short trips together to be with part of our family, “divide and conquer” to connect with the rest.  We had planned a stretched-out Christmas celebration that would allow one or both of us to be face-to-face with about three fourths of our large extended family.  Parents.  Adult kids. Sibs.  Grandbabies.

Joy!

When we woke up on the day I was to shuttle him to the airport we were handed an unexpected twist: hacking coughs and high fevers all around.  So it was off to Urgent Care rather than “Departures,” the druggist rather than dinner.  We stuffed our TSA-friendly packages into an Express Mail box and dragged to the post office counter with about an hour to spare.  And with that, Christmas was cancelled.  (Or at least what was left of it was postponed for awhile.)

As a result of the plans we had made there were no ingredients for a special dinner.  Since we were the “designated road warriors” there was no Christmas tree.  Apparently each of us intended to finish up our gifts for the other on the two days we were to be apart.

Somewhere along the line we pronounced it officially the weirdest Christmas ever.

A couch.  A love seat.  Pillows, blanket and dogs.  Juice, tissues and cough drops. Soup from the freezer and cinnamon toast for dessert. Short, sweet “I love you’s” by text and a few by phone.  A long distance video Yankee Swap gift exchange.  Laughing at ourselves and each other. Sleeping a lot. Finding the line between “disappointed about plans” and “making the best of the moment.”  OD’ing on movies. And, to top it off, while watching A Christmas Story, realizing neither of us felt well enough even to fetch Chinese takeout.

And wondering about whether or not we managed to teach our kids that sometimes not getting what you want can be a wonderful thing.

Sometimes not getting what you want can be a wonderful thing. (Image via Wikipedia)

Image via Wikipedia

I’m part of a family that I sometimes describe as “not only blended but shaken and stirred, too!”  Although I grew up with Christmas, I’m always open to exploring ways to celebrate family, friends and love.  (Good food never hurts, either!)

Sometimes the longest nights feel special ~ as if we have been given extra moments to focus on our loved ones, to begin to look at the year that is coming to an end, to feed our dreams  and aspirations something luscious.  Focusing on the present moment makes us more mindful and perhaps more able to fully appreciate  the hope that comes along with a bit more light that if gifted to us in each of the coming days.

I like to use this time to repeat traditions that work for and invent replacements for the ones that do not serve. To be kinder, grateful and more thoughtful. To give others the benefit of the doubt, to reflect on joy and let go of hurt. To hope wildly and live passionately. And to start over when needed.

Although I do my best to celebrate those things every day I appreciate the reminder that comes with Hanuka, Christmas and the Longest Night.

A new e-newsletter provider has led to a lot of site changes and an enormous learning curve for the tech department.  (Guess who???? ) So, if you want to receive our “once in awhile newsletter” hop on over to the main site and sign up.  I don’t spam ~ it comes out once a month-ish. You already know I’m not a high-pressure marketer.  Forwarding my newsletters (with a note) is a great way to help connect your friends with me.  I appreciate it.

What Kids Need to Succeed: Four Foundations of Adult Achievement is now available in multiple e-reader formats including Kindle, Nook, iBooks, Kobo, Sony Reader and…. [here]

By the way, if you like to read and you’re interested in supporting authors this link will take you to Smashwords where you can join an affiliate marketing program.  Look around.  Sign up.  Introducing your friends, family, team members and readers to new books is a nice thing to do, don’t you think? (It’s a great way to encourage writers to keep writing!)

I’m also proud to announce the arrival of a brand new program created to help people manage negative self-talk  and get unstuck!  Inner Critic to Inner Ally: A Beginner’s Guide is available as an online self-study, with or without 30 days of e-mail support from yours truly. It’s getting great reviews from direct sellers, a management consultant and a few mental health providers.  Although I originally wrote it with direct sellers in mind, I think it’s good for anyone struggling with “one foot on the gas and one on the brake.”

That’s what I’ve been up to.  What’s good with you?

New "translations!" (Image via Wikipedia)

Thanks for your support, encouragement…. and helping to spread the word.