Time to Stop Caring?

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One of the things I love about my work is the opportunity to collaborate with some wonderful people.  In a phone call last week one of them commented on some significant changes she had noticed in my work.   “The gloves are off” is how she described the change.  ”How did you do that?”

The short answer?  I stopped caring.  While parents, kids and families matter more now than ever, I quit bothering myself about  things that other people tell me I should care about.  Instead of obsessing about “traffic” and “reach” and “influence”  and “metrics,” I’m back to being me: sharing good content as often as I can, trusting that it will reach someone who will benefit from it… when they need to connect with it.

It’s not that I don’t need or want feedback.  I like to learn… but it was getting in the way.

So how did I learn to stop caring? The way I learn best:  the hard way.

I worried and fretted. I checked and measured… and drove myself half insane.  Then, as it sometimes does, life added some stresses of its own.  For the privacy of those involved I will say only that some people I care deeply about faced some very difficult circumstances.  To make matters worse, there was nothing I could do to help.

What’s that got to do with parenting?  Or the Four Foundations?  Quite a lot, actually.

Tough times can make us bitter or make us better.   If we pay attention, illness, injury and error can reconnect us to what matters most.  It’s similar to what happens when we realize we can’t smooth all the bumps in the road our kids will travel: we decide to teach them to navigate the bumps.  And with that learning comes a level of fearlessness that frees us to give our best efforts and “let go” of the results.

When we share this attitude with our kids they often become too busy “taking care of business” to hear the warnings from the people who want to tell them they’re doomed to fail!

Yabbits

An honest bumper sticker?

Have you ever talked to someone about goals, dreams and plans?  It can be fun and inspiring, especially if that conversation is with one or more of our children.  There’s something about sharing a dream,  visualizing a future result and making a plan to get it done that can bring people closer together.

And it doesn’t much matter what you (or they) are aiming for.  Whether you want a promotion, the next step in a formal education, to take a great family vacation, write a book or win an award at the science fair, the same basic process applies. Desire, visualization, planning, action.

But what about someone who completes most of those steps only to tear apart their own dreams?  I once heard a workshop speaker talk about those bumper stickers that say “I’d Rather Be…” (sailing, golfing, sleeping…)  He said he disliked them because they were dishonest. “If people would truly rather be sailing, they would take the steps and make the sacrifices necessary to make it happen.”

It’s a story that comes to mind when I start to make excuses or to decide that I’m “too busy” for people or activities that matter to me. I think of it when people  sign up for NaNoWriMo only to spend their time telling the rest of us they “don’t have time” to get their draft done.

These conversations tend to be loaded with “yabbits.” You know the ones in which the words… “Yeah, but…”  introduce an obstacle or excuse.  Sometimes a little supportive questioning is enough to help melt away the obstacles and lead to action.  Other times it leads to more and better and stronger excuses: yabbits on steroids.

Knowing this can come in handy when the kids are peppering you with “wants.”  Help them learn the difference between the casual, “it would be nice if” wants and the “I’m going to do everything in my power to make this happen” wants.  Asking them about resources, the  time they’re willing to commit  and what they may have to sacrifice can  lead to some great discussions and help them learn to “vote with their time.”

Kids easily pick up on the contradictions between what we say and what we do. And, yabbits are a great early warning sign.  They can indicate fear, a lack of confidence or, in some situations, a lack of desire.

Good role models notice them and take the necessary action:  give up the goal or give up the excuses and get on with it.  

The consistency will benefit everyone around you.

More or Less….

Anyone having a holiday hangover??

Holidays can be tough. Although it flies in the face of  the story we tell ourselves every year there are gaps between what we WANT and what we HAVE…. between what we PLAN and what actually HAPPENS.  It’s hard not to get caught up in the swirl of gifts and get-togethers, meals and misunderstandings.  And then, of course, there are the overs:  over spending, over eating and all sorts of other opportunities for over indulgence.

It can really hurt when we see the results in our children.

Have you ever experienced that awful feeling in the pit of the stomach that goes along with mentally tallying up the time and money you spent on holiday gifts… only to see them tossed aside as your little ones clamor for “MORE”?

UGH.

MORE.

It’s in our brains: to consume more food, acquire more ‘stuff,’ conquer more space….  is one of those lizard brain survival ‘things’ that’s been with us for a long time.

But it seems to me that lots of people are paying attention to that feeling and using it  to move toward both a smaller budget and a simpler life.  Circumstances are pushing people to think more about the difference between wants and needs…. about how to live a life that better reflects their values.

One of my favorite things about this time of year is the way that resolutions and planning for the New Year can help us focus on what is most meaningful in our lives.

“In 2012 I want more ______________ and less ________________ for myself and for my family.”

How do you fill in those blanks? What changes do you need to make to turn those “wants” into reality?